I've been meaning to write this entry for a while now. I just didn't trust myself to be completely objective so I waited until I could be. A lot of subjects addressed in this entry may not be comfortable ones for many people, but this is my journal and I see no need to censor myself.

As many of you know I have been in China over the summer.

How can I describe this experience, how can I even begin to find words for this?

It was horrible, beautiful, warm, cold, bringing me sickness and joy. It was completely different from what I might have expected had I actually expected anything at all. I did my best not to have any expections when I went there and they really weren't disappointed.

I learned a lot about myself during this trip, a lot about the person I was, am and who I could become. This made for a very interesting time already and the people I met there were even more interesting.

I met a beautiful boy, a loving old man, a very nice lady and lots of Koreans. I was made unnie/noona almost instantly and they were as cuddly and friendly as the Koreans we see on TV.

Other than that... nope, it's a different world from what we see in our trusty Youtube clips and music videos and that's quite all right, too, because the music industry never wants to represent reality. No one wants to see little boys trying to sell roses to foreigners at 2 AM and no one wants to see the bony chests of adolescent boys. Nope, no one wants to see that at all. What we get is a distilled view of reality and I like that. It's fantasy and I'm okay with that; it's a nice fantasy.

It just isn't enough for me.

China (and surely Korea and other countries of Asia, too) has so much to offer, so, so much and I want THAT! I want to embrace the culture and live it the way everybody else does.

In fact, I was.

I lived in a regular dormitory, going to school like Chinese students. I ate in the cafeteria with the Chinese students, I sat with the door man like the Chinese students and took the bus like the Chinese most of the time. I went shopping where they did and got my hair done where they get theirs done.

I really did like that life a lot. Of course, it had its downsides and some things were truly infuriating, but I learned to deal with them.

Taking everything into consideration, I am glad I got to make these memories and to have had that chance of going to China and living like a real Chinese student.

When I returned to Germany I did announce that I did not care about bands and band fanfiction as much as I used to. I wanted to experience the real thing (China) as opposed to waste my life dreaming about it and watching dramas to compensate for it. Everybody was cool with that - except for one person.

That very same person had been very much against my going to China at all because she wanted it, too. In fact, she was mad at me for having a semester abroad included in my studies. But that's my university's policy and there's nothing I could change about it even if I wanted to.

She became colder towards me, which also happened with another of her friends who had gone to Korea - another place the person wanted to go to.

She turned my own words on me, accusing me of wanting guys, of thinking guys were the real thing.

Well, I do want a boyfriend. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting one. I also don't see what's wrong with wanting to live in the real world instead of spending my life in frotn of the computer.

Fandom is a nice thing and I have enjoyed it while I was growing and evolving as a person.

seal7 once told me I had a lot of growing up to do.

That was three years ago, I believe. I have grown a lot as a person since then and I feel that I no longer need any fandoms to be happy. I enjoy writing, but fanfiction does no longer do it for me. There will be fics every now and then, but for the most part I have finished with it.

The person chose to be vicious about my wanting another life, one different from hers. I was vicious back and she wrote me a rather inane e-mail clearly written to trigger angry replies from me.

But I can only pity this person.

There is a difference between loving something and becoming so obsessed with it you have no life besides it.

Personally, I am happy with my life and wouldn't want it any other way.

haru_no_keeki
rhidana

Please do be so kind to unfriend me, too.